again.. same sob story

I thought that maybe this was my chance.
Or.
I thought this would be okay.

I thought no need to worry. Hes a nice , intelligent sweet guy. on the up and up.

but he left.
fucking just like everyone. goddamn.

This one with out even a "lets be friends".

What is it. what the fuck do i do.

I would love to know. Ducky lets be real.

My heart is in pain.
I was feeling special.
To good to be true.
Now , don't we see why i guard my heart.
This is exactly why .. i put up a facade.
Can't hurt me when you don't know me.

This is exactly why.

Suppose this is the time.

Sometimes i have no idea why we are friends.

your so different. Def, not in a good way.

To bad everyone knows it but you. How sad for you.

LOVE

I gave into MTV today.

I'm DL some boys likes girls.

Damn, I'm a poser.

they have been on MTV for the last week.. non fucking stop.

Life is finnally not going to suck so hard for us...

That was real cool kids..

Why did I bite my nails to the end.. ewe skin. fuck that.

So today my dog busted through the doors completely...
She is mentally insane.

she always go crazy then passes out for hours.

with her perfect pink collar. What a dog. i heart her times a million.
One day, One day .. we'll move together to Portland.

I'm so random lately.

Secrets secrets.secrets..

Boo

What have I been doing all day. well not much, I feel like i dont have a job or soemthing.. i really need to get back into the swing of going to work.
Been working on homework? and what not all day.
Burned some DVD's .. watched some Ugly Betty..not to bad of a day.

I feel like I am missing something.. wonder what.

Eh i always feel like i am missing something.. maybe such is mango.

Ducht <-- good band.

Just at this moment..

I have some new obsessions.
I've made some new conclusions in my life. All will be discussed here in this blogg.. you are reading and such.

First, Lets talk about Ugly Betty.
America is the most amazing actress in the world. Well that not true. Shes is amazing, but not the most amazing. She was in Sisterhood of the traveling pants. I heart that movie. I love the whole cast of Ugly Betty. I love the colors and the clothes of Ugo Betty. They are to die for. It is all to die for. I would live for a life like that , for times like that. Why don't i live like that. I feel like i don't live. What can i do to be more than what i am at the moment. How can I grow up, before my ass is left on the side of the road. I suppose Ugo doesn't conflict all of this in me . It does spread me around all upside down. I love the gay guy Mark in the show. AAAmazing he reminds me of mateo x 1000. Actually almost everyone in the cast reminds me of Matthews. Maybe he isn't a snowflake like i thought.





Second obsession today.
Him.



The future love of my life. Well, not really. Well, okay if i could figure out his contact information I would try my hardest. Ahh amazing. Hes sooo everything. Did you know that he went on a trip around the world. WHAT!! ugh. What i would give to go around the world.
I would give..
my left arm
my first child
my organs.. all of them.
my toes.
my hair .. now thats a big thing.love it. love it.

Bastardos

So thanksgiving.
Ah, the day we tell the Indians " We don't and never did , give a fuck about Squanto or any of you mother fuckers."

How completely inconsiderate of us a nation to band together in one racist parade ever year.
Every year on this day , we celebrate people family's being scalped, burned alive and disregarded.
It weird that we are able to do this to the founding culture of our nation. This is something we could have never done to blacks or Hispanics.
Jesse Jackson would be all over this shit , if it was going on.
How are we as a nation so blind and brain washed.
We are "giving thanks".
To what ? our murderous ancestors?
"Thank you for killing the injins so we are able to kill innocent birds and eat cranberry sauce from a can.. yes we have made the best of ur genocide..no this was nothing like the holocaust, cause it took us decades to get rid of them"

" And yes, every year we portray the Indians as stupid heathen folk"
" And yes, of course we will destroy the land quickly ,that they took care of for so long.."

Toast to our ancestors.. those arrogant sons of bitches.

drive drive drive. buring of bones

I drove. I almost drove all the way , way far aways. I almost got lost. It was such an incredible feeling.
Being far away from everything right , everything I know. Was the Best feeling.
Crashing my car into the one in front of me seems like the same feeling easily.

The medicine officially is not working.
Or this weekend was officially not working.
Thanksgiving makes me want to cry.

I had a dream that I had two children. Lester and Autum. Two girls. Gorgeous girls.Perfect feeling.

Regina Spektor is not helping this pessimistic feeling.
I wonder if their is a pill that you can take if you uninhibitedly pessimistic.

My moods are so up and down.
i don't have the benefits.
I have no time.
Sylvia Plath disease runs through my blood.

Consequence of life. of sound.

My room is starting to reak of death.
Not to long , before ill be gone.
done done done done.
At what point will you relies?
When i call and you don't answer.That time it'll be to late.
Possibly. You'll have those thoughts , i shoulda woulda coulda . I'm dead now. And all the things you should have said, will never be said , will be gone. All the times i was everything you needed will be gone. All the memories. All the thoughts of , shes so sad, shes depressed, emo, pathetic, will be sunkin in with me .. 9 to ten feet. I'll request 14.
Barry all of those dreams , thoughts , memories , coulda , schemes. They will be gone , with all my lost lovers, who don't care about me.
you have the chance to deliver me.
You can make it far from an abomination.
not being able to move , the best feeling. Only feeling I'm wanting.

All the people run by , all the people run by.
Call everyone and tell them its all their fault.

Feel this
the ripping of your skin right off your bones, as you lay their awake.
Lost hope
Most Regret
your legs intertwined with the one you love , as he stabs you in the back.
punches in the face all day long.
Someone pulling your insides out with pliers through your nose.
all of you gone.

Fuck you for not getting it. If i was a better person , i wouldn't pray every night that you all feel this.

you deserve it.
We are all worth it all.
Prefer, your life.

Pourquoi

As I watch Troy and do my hair , I get very angry.
I get angry at the sight of Brad Pitt.
Ugh.
I gorgeous man , but lacking much.
Women swoon over the Brad Pitts, Damens , Aflects ,Cruises and Clooney's of the world. the hero's the men who risk everything for love. The man who says he will wait a million years to be with you. The man who cries.
Fuck them, Fuck their idealistic view of America.
Give me the Johnny Depps,Keifer Sutherland, Robert Downey Jrs, Penn's ,The Dillions , The Farrells and the Jared leto's of the world. Give me the villains. The men who show us realism and harsh vanity of society. Give me the dark and mysterious. The ones who will be chased and give you no emotion. The men who give their heart and everlasting breath for what is true.
Give me three bottles of Whiskey , johnny Depp, Sean Penn and keifer ..and I'll have happiness that is never ending.

Bitch Please.

I need I need to be back in the state of mind I was in before.

I think i hate my therapist.I don't feel like she does any good. Shes too talky. She doesn't write things down. I feel like counselors should write things down. Or is writing things down something you learn in medical school.. so only psychiatrist do it.

Fuck i have to see psychiatrist.
wonder what will be said.
Wonder what will happen.
I just want to be better.
I hate living in this hell.
I hate smiling my way through it.Its so annoying.

Why can't i just be Vogue.

i need to work more hours. i need cash money. I have no idea for what.

Oh yah me and Britt and Amby are going to Madison. Girls weekend. That should be fabulous.

i wanna feel what i did.
High standards . All times.
I'm worth it.
I do not deserve it.
No one DESERVES anything. I hate when people think they do. Why do you DESERVE it your not perfect your not flawless. Your worth it. Grace should give it to you. But by no means does anyone deserve anything.

ewe. he just said "what up"

I've been staring at this awkward couple for about ten minutes now. A random black guy with a orange (rusty) color leather jacket. i think he might be English. And then there is this random girl in GRAY sweat pants flirting with him. They have all this awkward touching , and awkward laughs and awkward smiles. Its painful to even watch. Seriously painful times a thousand. So English went well today. Got there late as always. Talk to this old forty year old women and the random Macdonald's worker who sits next to me. They complained for like 20 min about getting marked down one point. They were all like this could be the difference between me and an A. I'm like yah, possibly .. but if you had worked harder all semester you wouldn't have to worry about it. Blah anyways. i hope i just make it thought this semester. Go on to next semester and do better you know. I think this whole taking my pill at night things works really well.

Going to film today he better not call on me i haven't studied for like three weeks fuck fuck fuck.

There is this white girl with a tiny tiny head glasses, football shoulders and thunder thighs in front of me. what the hell. i don't get this world.

FYI. everyone sitter around me has the exact same computer as i do. but they are like ten times lamer than i . Ewe they are talking about myspace. Oh jesus the black kids name is yo yo. What the fuck. gross.

I need to get to some peacefulness.

ewe the annoying black kid (yo yo) has a really bad ring tone and weird mannerisms.

Holla Panera after class.

Fuck. check that. First i need to get mother Donnelly a present...

ideas?

Get it. Giiveit.

I don't really know how to put how i feel into words.

I feel like there is no way up again, i look at my life and feel like its never ending struggle. Now , that is depressing.

I feel like i work hard, and i get no where.

I look around and everyone else is just flying by ..just using what falls in their laps .. and being completely happy.

nothing ever falls in my lap.

If it does, i in some way orchestrated it .
I just want this to be over.
I just want to try again, or even not ... i just would rather stop here.

No one is real.
I trust nothing that comes out of anyones mouth.
I trust no actions.
I believe in nothing.
i have hope in nothing.
I'm skeptical.

My life was over 10 years ago.

I was a gay man this weekend.

This weekend, this weekend.
Yowzers.

I am reminded of why i stopped drinking. I'm to giving when I'm drunk. Buying people drinks will stop.

I'm becoming my old self again. Good or Bad? i have no idea. I'm comfortable again at the bar. I've missed my old friends so much, I'll be back. Gotta save that money and keep going back . ah.

Saturday i spent laying around while my brother flipped through the channels.

No phone call.
I did txt.
done with that.
Sometimes i hate boys.
in general.
for every reason.

pop corn.

ah. i can't get this picture out of my head.
make it go away Jesus.
oh wait don't.
It was refreshing, laughing.
I need to be nicer.
blah.

or something.
I under estimate people.
Or I over estimate people.
I should expect nothing, and go with the flow.

Anyways. stole my brothers vicodine.

So I've been in a trance all day.

Gotta pick up Mateo later.
Missed my boo. eh, sorta.

..poka dott

painting my nails and watching mermaids with mateo.
love.
Cher.
sex.
i want to sleep.
Your a dramatic bastard.
you will be hearing about this.
ah.
Shatter me. Earth.
ugh. i just want to be better. prettier.

The biggest kick I ever got

So, lately (as in this week) i have had Daniel by Elton John running through my head.
Specifically
"Daniel my brother you are older than me
Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal
Your eyes have died but you see more than I
Daniel you're a star in the face of the sky"

Your eyes have DIED but you SEE more than I.
Its almost like I can not comprehend that line. As much as Elton John is well known, he is not respected enough for his lyrical talent.
Your EYES have died but you SEE more than I

Stricken , I feel Stricken. I am not sure with what. I just feel like that is the most appropriate word for my current state of mind.
I think it is because I watched Running with Scissors. I always have some sort of awakening after that movie.
Wait.
I am in the process of discovering something very real about myself.
I feel like I am working through the process now. My mind is working through the equation right now.

I think there is something I need to get from Elton John.
I was listening to I want love I really identified. I love when that happens. When music says everything you can't put into words. I love it.

What do I need to get from Daniel What the fuck is my subconscious saying?

How do i feel.. a bit below adverage...

go with the flow.

kinda feel like its getting heavier than i want

then i feel like wait, this is exactly what i want.

So whats going on.

What do i need.

What do i deserve.

fuck if i know.

Your VCR loves me.

Loong day.
Ugh. I need decia time like whoa.

My mom had a banquet in her name to day. It was great to watch everyone love on my mom do much .

My uncle was there with debber so that was delightful. I'm so glad she is going to be part of my Henkel family. What an honor for her. I will never give my name up , i doubt i'll hyphenate it either. lol. I just love my family dearly.

I'm so tried today.
Crazy tired.

i love boys who can do crazy English Accents. You can add that to my "what i want in a man"

Ah. Like. Such a good point.

Black Magic Women eh?

I'm in Panera ( just to set the scene you know).

I'm listening to Elton John, Benny and the jets.
It makes me think of this Asian girl in my Lit class who has this crazy long name that starts with a B i'm assuming. Anyways, she told the whole class to call her Benny. So now everytime i see her i want to run up her and go "B-B-B-B-Bennyyyyyy and the JETS!". I just want to see the shock in her little asian face. oh asians.

I fell the down the stairs to day at Smartland. I was like " Whoa Mama!!!". I almost cried hard. I was on the phone with my mother at the time. So i fell , and the cell phone flys from my hand and falls to the ground. I'm laying on the floor , almost crying , and all i hear is my mothers voice on the phone going "hello , Hello, decia?, hello?" all i want to do is scream "Shut the FUCK Up!!". but i don't instead i just hang up the phone so i'm not rude to her.

I think i'm crazy.
i had this Quiz in Math. I thought when i first saw it "omg , we didn't go over any of this shit, this teacher is a MEGA BITCH". then today when i saw it , i was like wtf i know this shit. Suck Suck.

Did you know John McCain ( rep. running for press) Didn't go to college? WTF. That should def be mandatory in this day and age... don't you think?








I bet my grandmother will vote for him. She woudn't tell me other day. Now that makes no sense...Crazy old Bat.

Oh god. Oh no.

okay.
New boy.

Much different than i'm use to.
found him on OK.. and well it more than OK.

I def def Dig the hell out of him.
Don't want to say to much because, well we dont want to jinx this shit.

Gonna try it again. Odds are against me but, fuck i'll try again.

I'm not going to lie. i'm a hell a lot more guarded now.

I guess, we'll see. Nothing wrong with that. Learn Some lessons and move on I guess.
Mending this heart, I'm okay. I'm happy with or with out it.

Love myself. Love , Love , Love.

I know i'm not going to find him again. There are more, each one gets a little better, So i'm thinking eventually I'll get it rght. Or fuck he'll get it right.
I'm pretty in touch with my feelings, I know how I feel . I know what I want. I'm not one to settle.

So there, It is out . Off my damn shoulders.

I'd be blind.

I had a dream that I acted on a TV show with Kyan Douglas from Queer eye.
What the fuck is with my mind lately? I kept thinking hes so underrated. Hes such an amazing actor.





oh . and i love Rufus. Danny Boyyyy

i'm not a murderer

Pills , Pills.
They quiet the nerves.
They let you whisper to your subconscious.

If you were more of a man
you would know that,
just because you say it
does not make you true.
No matter how many times you say it.

Five hours a day.
Get out.
Start dividing your record albums
Its bullshit.
You have no idea what i know.
You have no idea what i mean.
I'm an unapologetic bitch.

i see.
Do i care.
Kill yourself.

A Shot at love.

I had this dream about punching Tila Tequila.
But I love her show. How could this be?

Pay it back

So this guy totally "paid it forward" to me to day at Panera. i was so confused about the plug ins b/c it felt like mine hook up was to big. So got all frustrated and was thinking about burning Panera down. when this stallion of a man came up to me and advised me of the child proof ness of the plug ins. I love this stallion of a man who had an unusually large book bag. You know what they say about large book bags. Anywooo to keep in the style of Pay it forward i called Tony cause, he needed probably to talk about him self for a bit, and of course i'm always here.

! If i lived in this land or if i lived in that land !

I was WRONG. It MEANT something. Pleas FORGIVE me . and RELEASE me.

blah blah blah blah.

i feel good.

Devendra is pulling those strings right now.

God i could barley move earlier.

Mom picked me up again. What a good women.

hope to do her justice one day.

Hope to do a lot of people justice one day

oh .. all of you will get yours. don't you worry your pretty little tushies about that...

Got my FILM paper done on time! HOLLA!!!

--------

These hips are big hips
they need space to
move around in.
they don't fit into little
pretty places, these hips
are free hips,
they don't like to be held back.
these hips have never been enslaved.
they go where they want to go.
they do what they want to do.
these are mightly hips.
these hips are magic hips.
i have known them
to put a spell on a man and
spin him like a top!
- homage to my hips - Lucille Clifton

whoa! love you long time hips.Chills.

I'm memorizing that one for class.

I can't run from it...

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart






------------------------------

I want to sleep. I want to stop. I want it all to be over.
Its not pain. Its not that my life is so hard. It just this more than anxiety awful hateful feeling. I want over. I need to be happy. So truly i wish i was. Everyday. One day a week. When i call god I'm going to ask for happiness, In whatever form that would be. Its all to much. Give it away now.

Down down Down.

I put a lot on men.
Who told me that.
Lots of people.
Damn you Dallas.
What am i looking for ?
That I'm good enough, fuck i wish i would stop proving everything.
i have no one to prove anything to . i bet I'm proving this all to myself.
How redundant.
Wounds.
Wish they would close.
I need to get over my childhood wounds. To even begin on my adult ones.
Never ending.
So whats the point.

-----------------
I hate work.
i almost didn't make it to class.
i know this all makes her so upset. ahh i hate it. I hate hurting my mom.
She said today that all of this is making her deteriorate. Shes trying to balance work , school and me not trying to kill myself.





Today i told her everything makes me want to shoot myself.
Obviously that did not go over well. lol

She went crazy.
it slipped out.
I meant it more figuratively than literally.

uh...

One step at a time.
#1.. catch up on all my work this weekend. (seriously)

13 Things i needed to say.

1. I begged. I pleaded. For you not to leave me. You said no matter what. You said unconditional before I did. Then you left. You’re just a plastic artificial shell of yourself. I cannot believe I let myself love you. I can believe I cared unconditionally for someone who is very conditional.

2. You think you have it all worked out, that you know exactly what you’re talking about. You are not what you think you are. You have conditions for your love. Someone has to be exactly up to your moral virtues standards to be with you. No you don’t deserve what I did. Yes you deserve better. There will always be someone with something. You can’t break a person’s heart just because you get scared or what’s next. Or think it might happen again, what’s the point of guarding you heart so much? It’s not your fault what happened. I’m not casting any blame on you. But it’s sort of insulting that all that I am get pushed aside for one thing. Yes I broke some trust. But honestly, you love me and you’re not going to work to keep me? Honestly. Then you were wrong. You never loved me.

3. You’re a cunt.

4. It must be nice to be satisfied. You live in this tight knit world of routine. Just cause he came next and treated you better than the last. You’re lucky he’s a good guy. You’re lucky, because you don’t deserve it. Then again who does? Does anyone really deserve anything? And how do you measure what you deserve? No one is perfect. Right. Everyone has faults. Everyone has fucked up. I guess it just means what are the bounds of your compassion.

5. K. I understand. I understand that I never really gave myself to you. I think I just had an epiphany. I get it. I actually had one of those AHA! Moments like in the movies.

6. You both talk about yourselves too much. What do you know about me? Honestly fucking think. You know nothing. I told you. You understood. Yet, when I tell you things ,your to fucking close minded to get it. I hate that your 20. This is stupid. Why am I talking to you at all? Why do I know you? You’re annoying. You mannerisms, everything about you. You’re fucking laugh. Kill me, every time I hear it. I just like the feeling of being liked... I’m awful.

7. I wish someone was here to catch these boxes that keep falling. They hurt. I just want to roll up in a ball and forget my life.

8. To say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else is bullshit. Love can make you fly, love can make you better. You just have to be open to it. Let it in. Love can make you fall, love can kill you. Love is a disaster waiting to happen. Just wait, it always leaves.

9. There is absolutely nothing better than a song that says everything you mean.

10. I wish I could get god’s number because I would call him tomorrow. Ask him what the fuck is up? Why me? What the fuck have done that is so much worse than everyone else?

11. People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Is that true? I think so. I allow everyone to leave. What would be differently if I didn’t allow it. How could I have stopped it?

12. Your actually one of the most hilarious people I have met. You use your dramatic nature as some sort of satire. I love it. I used to think it was the just the way you were but, I see through your intelligence you just a higher level of humor.





13. I loved you first. I loved you more. I left you first.

14. If you loved me , why did you leave me.

This is exactly how i feel ..

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
"I love her for her smile-her look-her way
Of speaking gently-for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease oh such a day"-
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
be changed, or change for thee-and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,-
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lost thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

- If thou must love me by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

hit a new boundr y

k. so i'm high right now.
and i thought i would be hilarious to right a blog.. c ause i'm so fucking weak and writing this blog with weexd.. ahhh shit l

and cause you 've lways ..
my mind cant cat h up with me'
'
everything i like an hour when its onlyo a min. everyone i cray.. and like fierce..l shot dofff love;


the producers input.

muah

Chi town put your lighters up .. holla at the balller...

This loud ass girl next to me has really bad weave.

I feel really accomplished. i got my papers done , and i'm not failing out of school.. despite missing 2 continuous weeks of class. by the grace of god, that is the only way.

I should be doing homework.
ACTUALLY i should be in Psych, but the bitch dropped me. I have issues and its the Psych teacher who can't understand. lol thats hilariously.

Feeling very weird about a lot of things.
Feel like I'm almost trying to hard with some people. Can convince anyone to reach out or even talk to you i guess. Can't go back and make different choices.. i guess you just have to prove yourself.

i was thinking about love.
I think i had it all wrong.
Or maybe I'm just insane.

I always felt that once i let myself finally love someone else completely, no matter the situation,. that in the end love would over come anything. That once i decided it was unconditional instead of conditional i thought i would be forever. And if I'm right..either I'm fucked or i donno..
I was just thinking about that because i woke up to Captain and Tanel today
"Love, Love will keep us together, think of me babe whenever.. "

Nothing is like boy bands hypnotized it to be.
i shouldn't blame others.
Its me.
Kind of feel unlovable.
Or even possible just not enough.
I'm great but , not great enough to fight for.
I love you but, its conditional.
I love you within in this box, and if something fucked happens.. i won't remember we are an anomaly.. I'll just move on.
I love until...
I will wait...
This is just the way i am, but i expect you to change.
If you were prettier , thinner , smarter, funnier, cuter ,sexier.. then maybe this oould have worked.

I feel like i hear those things a lot, when i all i want to hear is .

I love you not matter what.

and i want someone to mean it.

Dallas you bastard

It is all my fathers fault how i am. therapy we had a "break through"!! exciting tres i know.

i guess cause i have always felt like it was my fault i haven't had a relationship with my father.. because i felt like i am the one who said "no lets stop this madness" at eight. That i have always felt like i ruined one of the most important relationships of my lifetime.

sooo..

thus, i continuously set myself in relationship where i know i will receive pain at the end because of the things i do.

its like control.

i want to be hurt because i feel like i deserve it for fucking me and my fathers relation ship up.

Goddayum.

and i always thought i'd be one of the lucky ones without daddy issues.

kills and pills shots andcocks trust and pain hurt and you

we broke up and yes it is killing me softly.

"Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song, telling
my whole life with
his words, killing me softly with his song. I felt all flushed with fever,
embarrassed by the crowd, I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on strumming my pain
with his fingers, singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song, telling my
know I'm good enough for that."

and it was a mistake. that i would never make again in my life. I just want him to see what he saw, what he fell in love with. Stop your mind. and listen to you heart.


so, I'm gonna get pro active and give a goo at keeping on

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Me and matt con coked a great plan on getting back on track in school and i plan on sticking with it. i got plans. I got ideas. I will accomplish them. i will go to work. I will do my best , and not try to be THE best. Thats all i can do . Not gonna chew off more than i can handle. i can get back in the swing of it all. Cause you know just what? i am THAT! Awesome . Kinda like Aston Kutcher style.

I knows tomorrow is new day.
I will just focus one day at a time.
And i will move on one day a time.

Think ill pray forgiveness to night. love, happiness, bitterness. I'll be just pray to be what people deserve. honestly.honestly.thought i was great ,what every deserves. now. i guess i am not. def want to change that about. yes ill pray for some real love tonight, happiness, love.i will confess tonight. i will wake up tomorrow owith a brighter mindset.
amen

Please strangle the life out me

i hate myself. more than ever.
never thought possible.
alone.
lonely again.
what a feeling.

can't wait to make it stop.

Payton me.

Dont leave.

Just stay awhile longer.

ugh. So much progress.

I just want to sleep for a month. or two weeks. then wake back up and start living again.

Why can't it just be different.

how come he is inside my head.

I miss him.

he just left.

Bastard come back.

Not fair.

Everyone leaves.

i'm no Heroine.

Because i just found out i do not have Word i cannot write my paper. I will not write my damn paper on Works. Pulease bitch.
He leaves tomorrow.
God that sucks.
I really hope distance does make the heart grow fonder.
You know?

I hope we keep in touch. slightly at least. I hope I don't freak to much cause we can't be together all the time. I tend to do that codependent thing sometime.

I had such a break down on Wed. God i wish my weeks didn't start until wed and ended on Friday. I would be set.
After the weekend my brain usually takes about 3 days to get situated. Now if i could only manage my classes and schedule around that i would be set.

i hate class. Not really. I just hate the way i am. I love school , i love learning, i just feel incapable sometimes you know. Prob not.

The Doctor up'd my dosage. So thats good. Hope it works so i don't have to see a psychologist. Now that would really make me freak i think. I just want to know that i;m normal.

Pray that i get my shit together sooon. pray it out.

My doctor is so personal. Its almost to much. I like the fact that she cares .. but its weird when someone cares so much yet , doesn't really know you. i guess.. she knows more than some. Isn't that weird. A women i barley know , knows some of my darkest secrets . Thats so fucked.

When i was at the doctors today she came in and asked how i felt. I said good . she said well prolly not that good. I was like well no shit. I'm depressed, so really i never feel good. And , when you ask that question , no one is really asking the question to really know. They just are being sociable. I just thought it was just a weird event. i donno.

my stories suck.

i was literally laying in a ball on my bed earlier shaking. Vicadine. Damn that will be the end of me. You know though, sometimes i just like to not be me. I just like to escape.

i feel like a verizon commercial.
That my "network" .. is my Food , School , Teachers ,Mother , Kev , Friends ,Bills and they are all following me all day long. Constantly. When i take Vicadine its like a wall is put between me and all the bullshit. Its such a nice feeling. To have all the bullshit set aside for four hours.

then you shake. That sucks. But its like i shake off my old skin and start to fall back in place.

When will be together again?

So hard to sit down and write something true and real.I suppose its because i live a lot of my life on the line between truth and lies. I flirt with that line on a daily basis. Almost to the extent of not knowing reality. Maybe I'm driving myself crazy instead of the world driving me crazy.

I could talk about the way the light is shinning into this room , gives it a slight insane asylum air.

Or that i know all of the grannies are wondering what new fangled contraption I'm working on today.

It feels so nice to getting payed as i write a blog and do laundry. This really is the land of free and the brave.

I heart america. Because everyones dreams really do come true here. Awesome awesome.
I'm glad for a by myself weekend. Prolly going to rent some movies, do homework. Write my heart out on some papers for class.. then keep letting some boys fall in love with moi.

It can be a good life some days

better than the days when I'm walking through the depths of hell.

then i'll make mine a double.

Going to the Dunn Coffee Shoppe today. It is a great place , to bad it only has one kind of coffee. I put just a spot of hazelnut creamer and couple dashes of sugar. Well there you go! You got my secret to the perfect cup of Bloomington coffee.

Actually, I feel good today. I went to class!!! Heyoo. I have three papers do this next week so that will be joyful. Oh so excited. That is the problem with school you show up and they give you work. It is like "Hey be glad i came" "I'm paying for your fucking rent , don't be a bitch." If you think about it , Professors are pretty much the help. You pay them big bucks to teach you so , you do not have to teach yourself. I think we should just regard them as if they are our maids or gardeners. I guess they are right when they say , rich kids are the only ones able to go to school.

I'm back on my Enviga. What is that you ask? That best no calorie , calorie burning energy drink. Because I need to be more hyper than I already am. When my mood/brain whatever, is going through W&G ( thats what i call my episodes now, Will and Grace) I have absolutely no energy. Even though I take 4 energy/metabo pills everyday. When my mood is good I have so much energy that i stutter or have an accent. When I was in Psychology today talking to Lisa ( lazy eye or just crzy? not sure.) I was trying to ask for the notes and I stuttered through it five times, because I was talking so fast. Then at random times random words will come out with a English accent. i wonder if anyone notices. Probably . Figures.

Can't stop thinking about my X today. Just kinda of thinking of how it used to be or how it could have been. That sucks. I wish I could dial a number into his brain to see if he thinks of the same things. Actually I just want to know if he thinks of me ( cause I'm co-dependent like that). I wish I could pull a John Malkovich and just get inside him to see what he does. Not in a stalker way of course. Just a normal i miss the man who I cared so desperately about.
Snap out of it!! ( Cher voice) keeps echoing in my head.
Oh i will Cher , oh i will.

I am strong enough.

.. then i need a man.

What do i want in a man?

1. He must look like Vincent Gallow. Dark hair , big smile , skinnyish almost lanky.
2. Dress like Johnny Depp. I like the indie intellectual style. Very sex mmhhm. Or like that black kid who works at the library. White t-shirt , jeans and some vans.
3. Glasses. Oh so sex. Love it. i like the of him not being able to see well. something sexy about a blind guy. I've always thought that.
4.Money. bitch i need to be taken care of. I want to feel like i can do whatever i want .. he can deal with the bills .. and i can deal with the pills.
5. Education - i like them smart. Smarter than me. i love having boyfriends you can call when you don't know the answer. And they are all like " Abrahan Lincoln was the 16th president ,dear"
6. Adventurous. Not in the outdoor sense. In the sexual sense. i want to try like everything with him. no bounderies. I want a completely contemporary relationship. I suppose my definition of it is being able to do every sexual perversion. As long as hes a democrat this part won't be hard.
7. He has to be friendly with the gas. I'm a hardcore Hag through and through. Way more haggy then Grace or Karen. i know all the gays . They just orb out of no where to me. i have many gays, but some are closer to my heart than other. Top gays -Mateo , Riky and adam. In that order.

To be continued...

Then tomorrow will come.

I went to therapy today. Talk about my anxiety. I guess i have a lot of it. Talking through it made it seem very clear. Yes i have anxiety about going to bars. i think that everyone is looking at me and thinking i shouldn't be there. Thats bad. I used to never really care what people think . now i care so much i can't do the one thing I've pretty much waited my entire life to do. FUCK. So I guess i just need to relies when i feel that way and trying to talk myself through it. I think this comes from me being so critical that i feel like everyone is just so critical about me. Maybe they aren't . Maybe when i walk into a bar , everyone doesn't look at me. Ewe that sounded really conceited. I am not that. I know that. She also say i need to find more friends than Matt who don't always have to drink. Ugh. I hate making new friends it so much work. Reeling people in sucks. i feel like i have so much else to do. Why doesn't someone just come up to me and ask to be my friend. Then i would say yes.. and we can go to a movie on Friday.. Oh an I bet Matt forgot about seeing Eastern Promises on Monday. Betcha. Oh what else. I need to have some sort of accountability about not going to class. which i did AGAIN today. I'm feeling slightly better. So i really do think this is has a lot to do with my brain. If i wasn't so paralyzed i would always go to class. Now, I know that to be true. But i have tomorrow to do better. Its not even October so i can get my shit together without my academic life going down the shitter. Now see already I'm almost back to normal. A good nights sleep , doing some homework I'll be okay. I hate my "episodes". that is what my doctor called it. LOL. Made me think of my life like an episode of "Will and Grace". That i won't have to deal or change anything about myself till this time next week. When i went to the doctor last wed , i started out telling her about my depression. How it was paralyzing blah blah blah.. And she said something that still makes me chuckle. She said "Are you depressed now" .. it made me think she was patronizing me like i had an imaginary friend "Is he in the room now?" . i was like um no bitch. anyways.. ah. Its almost over. Tomorrow will be better. I'll be normal again for an episode.. Well i guess until next time.

Then go fuck yourself god.

ahem.

okay.

how do you revive yourself when your drowing in your own filthy emotion?

I never knew that you could actually be paralyzed with sadnes. Until it happened to me.

Logically to me it makes no sense. I have no idea why i do not feel like life i worth living somedays,and other days i just want to make the most of what i have.

Logically i do not understand why i can not pick myself up from my chair and go hang out with my friends. I hate that i am not the same person i used to be. I hate that i feel fake. I hate that i feel guilty about the things that i feel i cannot change. I hate that i cannot change these things about me. I feel like i have no control . When did this happen when did i loose control of my life. Why didn't anyone help me or stop me. I wonder to myself many night why does no one care. when don't i have friends like i use to . why don't i have the life i'm supposed to have. what the fuck am to be doing. What the hell kind of life am i living. Will i go to heaven , even thoght i have been diagnosed.

I hate how envious of everyones elses life.

Why the fuck does everyone have everything that i want.

Why can't i turn back time like cher.

Why the fuck was she able. to .

I can't believe i sound like all those whinny bastards i hate.

I just want to be everything i want to be.

I just want all my hopes and dreams to come true.

Man i just want to be conviently loved.

I want someone to take care of .

Someone to share everything with.

I had that. What the fuck happened. You know he says he can help me with anything .. yet i don't have the one thing that i think will do the most good.

ewe i'm gross in my self deprication

i promise next blogggggg will be better..

just laugh bitches , just laugh.