Then tomorrow will come.

I went to therapy today. Talk about my anxiety. I guess i have a lot of it. Talking through it made it seem very clear. Yes i have anxiety about going to bars. i think that everyone is looking at me and thinking i shouldn't be there. Thats bad. I used to never really care what people think . now i care so much i can't do the one thing I've pretty much waited my entire life to do. FUCK. So I guess i just need to relies when i feel that way and trying to talk myself through it. I think this comes from me being so critical that i feel like everyone is just so critical about me. Maybe they aren't . Maybe when i walk into a bar , everyone doesn't look at me. Ewe that sounded really conceited. I am not that. I know that. She also say i need to find more friends than Matt who don't always have to drink. Ugh. I hate making new friends it so much work. Reeling people in sucks. i feel like i have so much else to do. Why doesn't someone just come up to me and ask to be my friend. Then i would say yes.. and we can go to a movie on Friday.. Oh an I bet Matt forgot about seeing Eastern Promises on Monday. Betcha. Oh what else. I need to have some sort of accountability about not going to class. which i did AGAIN today. I'm feeling slightly better. So i really do think this is has a lot to do with my brain. If i wasn't so paralyzed i would always go to class. Now, I know that to be true. But i have tomorrow to do better. Its not even October so i can get my shit together without my academic life going down the shitter. Now see already I'm almost back to normal. A good nights sleep , doing some homework I'll be okay. I hate my "episodes". that is what my doctor called it. LOL. Made me think of my life like an episode of "Will and Grace". That i won't have to deal or change anything about myself till this time next week. When i went to the doctor last wed , i started out telling her about my depression. How it was paralyzing blah blah blah.. And she said something that still makes me chuckle. She said "Are you depressed now" .. it made me think she was patronizing me like i had an imaginary friend "Is he in the room now?" . i was like um no bitch. anyways.. ah. Its almost over. Tomorrow will be better. I'll be normal again for an episode.. Well i guess until next time.