Boo

What have I been doing all day. well not much, I feel like i dont have a job or soemthing.. i really need to get back into the swing of going to work.
Been working on homework? and what not all day.
Burned some DVD's .. watched some Ugly Betty..not to bad of a day.

I feel like I am missing something.. wonder what.

Eh i always feel like i am missing something.. maybe such is mango.

Ducht <-- good band.

Just at this moment..

I have some new obsessions.
I've made some new conclusions in my life. All will be discussed here in this blogg.. you are reading and such.

First, Lets talk about Ugly Betty.
America is the most amazing actress in the world. Well that not true. Shes is amazing, but not the most amazing. She was in Sisterhood of the traveling pants. I heart that movie. I love the whole cast of Ugly Betty. I love the colors and the clothes of Ugo Betty. They are to die for. It is all to die for. I would live for a life like that , for times like that. Why don't i live like that. I feel like i don't live. What can i do to be more than what i am at the moment. How can I grow up, before my ass is left on the side of the road. I suppose Ugo doesn't conflict all of this in me . It does spread me around all upside down. I love the gay guy Mark in the show. AAAmazing he reminds me of mateo x 1000. Actually almost everyone in the cast reminds me of Matthews. Maybe he isn't a snowflake like i thought.





Second obsession today.
Him.



The future love of my life. Well, not really. Well, okay if i could figure out his contact information I would try my hardest. Ahh amazing. Hes sooo everything. Did you know that he went on a trip around the world. WHAT!! ugh. What i would give to go around the world.
I would give..
my left arm
my first child
my organs.. all of them.
my toes.
my hair .. now thats a big thing.love it. love it.

Bastardos

So thanksgiving.
Ah, the day we tell the Indians " We don't and never did , give a fuck about Squanto or any of you mother fuckers."

How completely inconsiderate of us a nation to band together in one racist parade ever year.
Every year on this day , we celebrate people family's being scalped, burned alive and disregarded.
It weird that we are able to do this to the founding culture of our nation. This is something we could have never done to blacks or Hispanics.
Jesse Jackson would be all over this shit , if it was going on.
How are we as a nation so blind and brain washed.
We are "giving thanks".
To what ? our murderous ancestors?
"Thank you for killing the injins so we are able to kill innocent birds and eat cranberry sauce from a can.. yes we have made the best of ur genocide..no this was nothing like the holocaust, cause it took us decades to get rid of them"

" And yes, every year we portray the Indians as stupid heathen folk"
" And yes, of course we will destroy the land quickly ,that they took care of for so long.."

Toast to our ancestors.. those arrogant sons of bitches.

drive drive drive. buring of bones

I drove. I almost drove all the way , way far aways. I almost got lost. It was such an incredible feeling.
Being far away from everything right , everything I know. Was the Best feeling.
Crashing my car into the one in front of me seems like the same feeling easily.

The medicine officially is not working.
Or this weekend was officially not working.
Thanksgiving makes me want to cry.

I had a dream that I had two children. Lester and Autum. Two girls. Gorgeous girls.Perfect feeling.

Regina Spektor is not helping this pessimistic feeling.
I wonder if their is a pill that you can take if you uninhibitedly pessimistic.

My moods are so up and down.
i don't have the benefits.
I have no time.
Sylvia Plath disease runs through my blood.

Consequence of life. of sound.

My room is starting to reak of death.
Not to long , before ill be gone.
done done done done.
At what point will you relies?
When i call and you don't answer.That time it'll be to late.
Possibly. You'll have those thoughts , i shoulda woulda coulda . I'm dead now. And all the things you should have said, will never be said , will be gone. All the times i was everything you needed will be gone. All the memories. All the thoughts of , shes so sad, shes depressed, emo, pathetic, will be sunkin in with me .. 9 to ten feet. I'll request 14.
Barry all of those dreams , thoughts , memories , coulda , schemes. They will be gone , with all my lost lovers, who don't care about me.
you have the chance to deliver me.
You can make it far from an abomination.
not being able to move , the best feeling. Only feeling I'm wanting.

All the people run by , all the people run by.
Call everyone and tell them its all their fault.

Feel this
the ripping of your skin right off your bones, as you lay their awake.
Lost hope
Most Regret
your legs intertwined with the one you love , as he stabs you in the back.
punches in the face all day long.
Someone pulling your insides out with pliers through your nose.
all of you gone.

Fuck you for not getting it. If i was a better person , i wouldn't pray every night that you all feel this.

you deserve it.
We are all worth it all.
Prefer, your life.

Pourquoi

As I watch Troy and do my hair , I get very angry.
I get angry at the sight of Brad Pitt.
Ugh.
I gorgeous man , but lacking much.
Women swoon over the Brad Pitts, Damens , Aflects ,Cruises and Clooney's of the world. the hero's the men who risk everything for love. The man who says he will wait a million years to be with you. The man who cries.
Fuck them, Fuck their idealistic view of America.
Give me the Johnny Depps,Keifer Sutherland, Robert Downey Jrs, Penn's ,The Dillions , The Farrells and the Jared leto's of the world. Give me the villains. The men who show us realism and harsh vanity of society. Give me the dark and mysterious. The ones who will be chased and give you no emotion. The men who give their heart and everlasting breath for what is true.
Give me three bottles of Whiskey , johnny Depp, Sean Penn and keifer ..and I'll have happiness that is never ending.

Bitch Please.

I need I need to be back in the state of mind I was in before.

I think i hate my therapist.I don't feel like she does any good. Shes too talky. She doesn't write things down. I feel like counselors should write things down. Or is writing things down something you learn in medical school.. so only psychiatrist do it.

Fuck i have to see psychiatrist.
wonder what will be said.
Wonder what will happen.
I just want to be better.
I hate living in this hell.
I hate smiling my way through it.Its so annoying.

Why can't i just be Vogue.

i need to work more hours. i need cash money. I have no idea for what.

Oh yah me and Britt and Amby are going to Madison. Girls weekend. That should be fabulous.

i wanna feel what i did.
High standards . All times.
I'm worth it.
I do not deserve it.
No one DESERVES anything. I hate when people think they do. Why do you DESERVE it your not perfect your not flawless. Your worth it. Grace should give it to you. But by no means does anyone deserve anything.

ewe. he just said "what up"

I've been staring at this awkward couple for about ten minutes now. A random black guy with a orange (rusty) color leather jacket. i think he might be English. And then there is this random girl in GRAY sweat pants flirting with him. They have all this awkward touching , and awkward laughs and awkward smiles. Its painful to even watch. Seriously painful times a thousand. So English went well today. Got there late as always. Talk to this old forty year old women and the random Macdonald's worker who sits next to me. They complained for like 20 min about getting marked down one point. They were all like this could be the difference between me and an A. I'm like yah, possibly .. but if you had worked harder all semester you wouldn't have to worry about it. Blah anyways. i hope i just make it thought this semester. Go on to next semester and do better you know. I think this whole taking my pill at night things works really well.

Going to film today he better not call on me i haven't studied for like three weeks fuck fuck fuck.

There is this white girl with a tiny tiny head glasses, football shoulders and thunder thighs in front of me. what the hell. i don't get this world.

FYI. everyone sitter around me has the exact same computer as i do. but they are like ten times lamer than i . Ewe they are talking about myspace. Oh jesus the black kids name is yo yo. What the fuck. gross.

I need to get to some peacefulness.

ewe the annoying black kid (yo yo) has a really bad ring tone and weird mannerisms.

Holla Panera after class.

Fuck. check that. First i need to get mother Donnelly a present...

ideas?

Get it. Giiveit.

I don't really know how to put how i feel into words.

I feel like there is no way up again, i look at my life and feel like its never ending struggle. Now , that is depressing.

I feel like i work hard, and i get no where.

I look around and everyone else is just flying by ..just using what falls in their laps .. and being completely happy.

nothing ever falls in my lap.

If it does, i in some way orchestrated it .
I just want this to be over.
I just want to try again, or even not ... i just would rather stop here.

No one is real.
I trust nothing that comes out of anyones mouth.
I trust no actions.
I believe in nothing.
i have hope in nothing.
I'm skeptical.

My life was over 10 years ago.

I was a gay man this weekend.

This weekend, this weekend.
Yowzers.

I am reminded of why i stopped drinking. I'm to giving when I'm drunk. Buying people drinks will stop.

I'm becoming my old self again. Good or Bad? i have no idea. I'm comfortable again at the bar. I've missed my old friends so much, I'll be back. Gotta save that money and keep going back . ah.

Saturday i spent laying around while my brother flipped through the channels.

No phone call.
I did txt.
done with that.
Sometimes i hate boys.
in general.
for every reason.

pop corn.

ah. i can't get this picture out of my head.
make it go away Jesus.
oh wait don't.
It was refreshing, laughing.
I need to be nicer.
blah.

or something.
I under estimate people.
Or I over estimate people.
I should expect nothing, and go with the flow.

Anyways. stole my brothers vicodine.

So I've been in a trance all day.

Gotta pick up Mateo later.
Missed my boo. eh, sorta.

..poka dott

painting my nails and watching mermaids with mateo.
love.
Cher.
sex.
i want to sleep.
Your a dramatic bastard.
you will be hearing about this.
ah.
Shatter me. Earth.
ugh. i just want to be better. prettier.

The biggest kick I ever got

So, lately (as in this week) i have had Daniel by Elton John running through my head.
Specifically
"Daniel my brother you are older than me
Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal
Your eyes have died but you see more than I
Daniel you're a star in the face of the sky"

Your eyes have DIED but you SEE more than I.
Its almost like I can not comprehend that line. As much as Elton John is well known, he is not respected enough for his lyrical talent.
Your EYES have died but you SEE more than I

Stricken , I feel Stricken. I am not sure with what. I just feel like that is the most appropriate word for my current state of mind.
I think it is because I watched Running with Scissors. I always have some sort of awakening after that movie.
Wait.
I am in the process of discovering something very real about myself.
I feel like I am working through the process now. My mind is working through the equation right now.

I think there is something I need to get from Elton John.
I was listening to I want love I really identified. I love when that happens. When music says everything you can't put into words. I love it.

What do I need to get from Daniel What the fuck is my subconscious saying?