When will be together again?

So hard to sit down and write something true and real.I suppose its because i live a lot of my life on the line between truth and lies. I flirt with that line on a daily basis. Almost to the extent of not knowing reality. Maybe I'm driving myself crazy instead of the world driving me crazy.

I could talk about the way the light is shinning into this room , gives it a slight insane asylum air.

Or that i know all of the grannies are wondering what new fangled contraption I'm working on today.

It feels so nice to getting payed as i write a blog and do laundry. This really is the land of free and the brave.

I heart america. Because everyones dreams really do come true here. Awesome awesome.
I'm glad for a by myself weekend. Prolly going to rent some movies, do homework. Write my heart out on some papers for class.. then keep letting some boys fall in love with moi.

It can be a good life some days

better than the days when I'm walking through the depths of hell.

then i'll make mine a double.

Going to the Dunn Coffee Shoppe today. It is a great place , to bad it only has one kind of coffee. I put just a spot of hazelnut creamer and couple dashes of sugar. Well there you go! You got my secret to the perfect cup of Bloomington coffee.

Actually, I feel good today. I went to class!!! Heyoo. I have three papers do this next week so that will be joyful. Oh so excited. That is the problem with school you show up and they give you work. It is like "Hey be glad i came" "I'm paying for your fucking rent , don't be a bitch." If you think about it , Professors are pretty much the help. You pay them big bucks to teach you so , you do not have to teach yourself. I think we should just regard them as if they are our maids or gardeners. I guess they are right when they say , rich kids are the only ones able to go to school.

I'm back on my Enviga. What is that you ask? That best no calorie , calorie burning energy drink. Because I need to be more hyper than I already am. When my mood/brain whatever, is going through W&G ( thats what i call my episodes now, Will and Grace) I have absolutely no energy. Even though I take 4 energy/metabo pills everyday. When my mood is good I have so much energy that i stutter or have an accent. When I was in Psychology today talking to Lisa ( lazy eye or just crzy? not sure.) I was trying to ask for the notes and I stuttered through it five times, because I was talking so fast. Then at random times random words will come out with a English accent. i wonder if anyone notices. Probably . Figures.

Can't stop thinking about my X today. Just kinda of thinking of how it used to be or how it could have been. That sucks. I wish I could dial a number into his brain to see if he thinks of the same things. Actually I just want to know if he thinks of me ( cause I'm co-dependent like that). I wish I could pull a John Malkovich and just get inside him to see what he does. Not in a stalker way of course. Just a normal i miss the man who I cared so desperately about.
Snap out of it!! ( Cher voice) keeps echoing in my head.
Oh i will Cher , oh i will.

I am strong enough.

.. then i need a man.

What do i want in a man?

1. He must look like Vincent Gallow. Dark hair , big smile , skinnyish almost lanky.
2. Dress like Johnny Depp. I like the indie intellectual style. Very sex mmhhm. Or like that black kid who works at the library. White t-shirt , jeans and some vans.
3. Glasses. Oh so sex. Love it. i like the of him not being able to see well. something sexy about a blind guy. I've always thought that.
4.Money. bitch i need to be taken care of. I want to feel like i can do whatever i want .. he can deal with the bills .. and i can deal with the pills.
5. Education - i like them smart. Smarter than me. i love having boyfriends you can call when you don't know the answer. And they are all like " Abrahan Lincoln was the 16th president ,dear"
6. Adventurous. Not in the outdoor sense. In the sexual sense. i want to try like everything with him. no bounderies. I want a completely contemporary relationship. I suppose my definition of it is being able to do every sexual perversion. As long as hes a democrat this part won't be hard.
7. He has to be friendly with the gas. I'm a hardcore Hag through and through. Way more haggy then Grace or Karen. i know all the gays . They just orb out of no where to me. i have many gays, but some are closer to my heart than other. Top gays -Mateo , Riky and adam. In that order.

To be continued...

Then tomorrow will come.

I went to therapy today. Talk about my anxiety. I guess i have a lot of it. Talking through it made it seem very clear. Yes i have anxiety about going to bars. i think that everyone is looking at me and thinking i shouldn't be there. Thats bad. I used to never really care what people think . now i care so much i can't do the one thing I've pretty much waited my entire life to do. FUCK. So I guess i just need to relies when i feel that way and trying to talk myself through it. I think this comes from me being so critical that i feel like everyone is just so critical about me. Maybe they aren't . Maybe when i walk into a bar , everyone doesn't look at me. Ewe that sounded really conceited. I am not that. I know that. She also say i need to find more friends than Matt who don't always have to drink. Ugh. I hate making new friends it so much work. Reeling people in sucks. i feel like i have so much else to do. Why doesn't someone just come up to me and ask to be my friend. Then i would say yes.. and we can go to a movie on Friday.. Oh an I bet Matt forgot about seeing Eastern Promises on Monday. Betcha. Oh what else. I need to have some sort of accountability about not going to class. which i did AGAIN today. I'm feeling slightly better. So i really do think this is has a lot to do with my brain. If i wasn't so paralyzed i would always go to class. Now, I know that to be true. But i have tomorrow to do better. Its not even October so i can get my shit together without my academic life going down the shitter. Now see already I'm almost back to normal. A good nights sleep , doing some homework I'll be okay. I hate my "episodes". that is what my doctor called it. LOL. Made me think of my life like an episode of "Will and Grace". That i won't have to deal or change anything about myself till this time next week. When i went to the doctor last wed , i started out telling her about my depression. How it was paralyzing blah blah blah.. And she said something that still makes me chuckle. She said "Are you depressed now" .. it made me think she was patronizing me like i had an imaginary friend "Is he in the room now?" . i was like um no bitch. anyways.. ah. Its almost over. Tomorrow will be better. I'll be normal again for an episode.. Well i guess until next time.

Then go fuck yourself god.

ahem.

okay.

how do you revive yourself when your drowing in your own filthy emotion?

I never knew that you could actually be paralyzed with sadnes. Until it happened to me.

Logically to me it makes no sense. I have no idea why i do not feel like life i worth living somedays,and other days i just want to make the most of what i have.

Logically i do not understand why i can not pick myself up from my chair and go hang out with my friends. I hate that i am not the same person i used to be. I hate that i feel fake. I hate that i feel guilty about the things that i feel i cannot change. I hate that i cannot change these things about me. I feel like i have no control . When did this happen when did i loose control of my life. Why didn't anyone help me or stop me. I wonder to myself many night why does no one care. when don't i have friends like i use to . why don't i have the life i'm supposed to have. what the fuck am to be doing. What the hell kind of life am i living. Will i go to heaven , even thoght i have been diagnosed.

I hate how envious of everyones elses life.

Why the fuck does everyone have everything that i want.

Why can't i turn back time like cher.

Why the fuck was she able. to .

I can't believe i sound like all those whinny bastards i hate.

I just want to be everything i want to be.

I just want all my hopes and dreams to come true.

Man i just want to be conviently loved.

I want someone to take care of .

Someone to share everything with.

I had that. What the fuck happened. You know he says he can help me with anything .. yet i don't have the one thing that i think will do the most good.

ewe i'm gross in my self deprication

i promise next blogggggg will be better..

just laugh bitches , just laugh.