How do i feel.. a bit below adverage...

go with the flow.

kinda feel like its getting heavier than i want

then i feel like wait, this is exactly what i want.

So whats going on.

What do i need.

What do i deserve.

fuck if i know.

Your VCR loves me.

Loong day.
Ugh. I need decia time like whoa.

My mom had a banquet in her name to day. It was great to watch everyone love on my mom do much .

My uncle was there with debber so that was delightful. I'm so glad she is going to be part of my Henkel family. What an honor for her. I will never give my name up , i doubt i'll hyphenate it either. lol. I just love my family dearly.

I'm so tried today.
Crazy tired.

i love boys who can do crazy English Accents. You can add that to my "what i want in a man"

Ah. Like. Such a good point.

Black Magic Women eh?

I'm in Panera ( just to set the scene you know).

I'm listening to Elton John, Benny and the jets.
It makes me think of this Asian girl in my Lit class who has this crazy long name that starts with a B i'm assuming. Anyways, she told the whole class to call her Benny. So now everytime i see her i want to run up her and go "B-B-B-B-Bennyyyyyy and the JETS!". I just want to see the shock in her little asian face. oh asians.

I fell the down the stairs to day at Smartland. I was like " Whoa Mama!!!". I almost cried hard. I was on the phone with my mother at the time. So i fell , and the cell phone flys from my hand and falls to the ground. I'm laying on the floor , almost crying , and all i hear is my mothers voice on the phone going "hello , Hello, decia?, hello?" all i want to do is scream "Shut the FUCK Up!!". but i don't instead i just hang up the phone so i'm not rude to her.

I think i'm crazy.
i had this Quiz in Math. I thought when i first saw it "omg , we didn't go over any of this shit, this teacher is a MEGA BITCH". then today when i saw it , i was like wtf i know this shit. Suck Suck.

Did you know John McCain ( rep. running for press) Didn't go to college? WTF. That should def be mandatory in this day and age... don't you think?








I bet my grandmother will vote for him. She woudn't tell me other day. Now that makes no sense...Crazy old Bat.

Oh god. Oh no.

okay.
New boy.

Much different than i'm use to.
found him on OK.. and well it more than OK.

I def def Dig the hell out of him.
Don't want to say to much because, well we dont want to jinx this shit.

Gonna try it again. Odds are against me but, fuck i'll try again.

I'm not going to lie. i'm a hell a lot more guarded now.

I guess, we'll see. Nothing wrong with that. Learn Some lessons and move on I guess.
Mending this heart, I'm okay. I'm happy with or with out it.

Love myself. Love , Love , Love.

I know i'm not going to find him again. There are more, each one gets a little better, So i'm thinking eventually I'll get it rght. Or fuck he'll get it right.
I'm pretty in touch with my feelings, I know how I feel . I know what I want. I'm not one to settle.

So there, It is out . Off my damn shoulders.

I'd be blind.

I had a dream that I acted on a TV show with Kyan Douglas from Queer eye.
What the fuck is with my mind lately? I kept thinking hes so underrated. Hes such an amazing actor.





oh . and i love Rufus. Danny Boyyyy

i'm not a murderer

Pills , Pills.
They quiet the nerves.
They let you whisper to your subconscious.

If you were more of a man
you would know that,
just because you say it
does not make you true.
No matter how many times you say it.

Five hours a day.
Get out.
Start dividing your record albums
Its bullshit.
You have no idea what i know.
You have no idea what i mean.
I'm an unapologetic bitch.

i see.
Do i care.
Kill yourself.

A Shot at love.

I had this dream about punching Tila Tequila.
But I love her show. How could this be?

Pay it back

So this guy totally "paid it forward" to me to day at Panera. i was so confused about the plug ins b/c it felt like mine hook up was to big. So got all frustrated and was thinking about burning Panera down. when this stallion of a man came up to me and advised me of the child proof ness of the plug ins. I love this stallion of a man who had an unusually large book bag. You know what they say about large book bags. Anywooo to keep in the style of Pay it forward i called Tony cause, he needed probably to talk about him self for a bit, and of course i'm always here.

! If i lived in this land or if i lived in that land !

I was WRONG. It MEANT something. Pleas FORGIVE me . and RELEASE me.

blah blah blah blah.

i feel good.

Devendra is pulling those strings right now.

God i could barley move earlier.

Mom picked me up again. What a good women.

hope to do her justice one day.

Hope to do a lot of people justice one day

oh .. all of you will get yours. don't you worry your pretty little tushies about that...

Got my FILM paper done on time! HOLLA!!!

--------

These hips are big hips
they need space to
move around in.
they don't fit into little
pretty places, these hips
are free hips,
they don't like to be held back.
these hips have never been enslaved.
they go where they want to go.
they do what they want to do.
these are mightly hips.
these hips are magic hips.
i have known them
to put a spell on a man and
spin him like a top!
- homage to my hips - Lucille Clifton

whoa! love you long time hips.Chills.

I'm memorizing that one for class.

I can't run from it...

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart






------------------------------

I want to sleep. I want to stop. I want it all to be over.
Its not pain. Its not that my life is so hard. It just this more than anxiety awful hateful feeling. I want over. I need to be happy. So truly i wish i was. Everyday. One day a week. When i call god I'm going to ask for happiness, In whatever form that would be. Its all to much. Give it away now.

Down down Down.

I put a lot on men.
Who told me that.
Lots of people.
Damn you Dallas.
What am i looking for ?
That I'm good enough, fuck i wish i would stop proving everything.
i have no one to prove anything to . i bet I'm proving this all to myself.
How redundant.
Wounds.
Wish they would close.
I need to get over my childhood wounds. To even begin on my adult ones.
Never ending.
So whats the point.

-----------------
I hate work.
i almost didn't make it to class.
i know this all makes her so upset. ahh i hate it. I hate hurting my mom.
She said today that all of this is making her deteriorate. Shes trying to balance work , school and me not trying to kill myself.





Today i told her everything makes me want to shoot myself.
Obviously that did not go over well. lol

She went crazy.
it slipped out.
I meant it more figuratively than literally.

uh...

One step at a time.
#1.. catch up on all my work this weekend. (seriously)

13 Things i needed to say.

1. I begged. I pleaded. For you not to leave me. You said no matter what. You said unconditional before I did. Then you left. You’re just a plastic artificial shell of yourself. I cannot believe I let myself love you. I can believe I cared unconditionally for someone who is very conditional.

2. You think you have it all worked out, that you know exactly what you’re talking about. You are not what you think you are. You have conditions for your love. Someone has to be exactly up to your moral virtues standards to be with you. No you don’t deserve what I did. Yes you deserve better. There will always be someone with something. You can’t break a person’s heart just because you get scared or what’s next. Or think it might happen again, what’s the point of guarding you heart so much? It’s not your fault what happened. I’m not casting any blame on you. But it’s sort of insulting that all that I am get pushed aside for one thing. Yes I broke some trust. But honestly, you love me and you’re not going to work to keep me? Honestly. Then you were wrong. You never loved me.

3. You’re a cunt.

4. It must be nice to be satisfied. You live in this tight knit world of routine. Just cause he came next and treated you better than the last. You’re lucky he’s a good guy. You’re lucky, because you don’t deserve it. Then again who does? Does anyone really deserve anything? And how do you measure what you deserve? No one is perfect. Right. Everyone has faults. Everyone has fucked up. I guess it just means what are the bounds of your compassion.

5. K. I understand. I understand that I never really gave myself to you. I think I just had an epiphany. I get it. I actually had one of those AHA! Moments like in the movies.

6. You both talk about yourselves too much. What do you know about me? Honestly fucking think. You know nothing. I told you. You understood. Yet, when I tell you things ,your to fucking close minded to get it. I hate that your 20. This is stupid. Why am I talking to you at all? Why do I know you? You’re annoying. You mannerisms, everything about you. You’re fucking laugh. Kill me, every time I hear it. I just like the feeling of being liked... I’m awful.

7. I wish someone was here to catch these boxes that keep falling. They hurt. I just want to roll up in a ball and forget my life.

8. To say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else is bullshit. Love can make you fly, love can make you better. You just have to be open to it. Let it in. Love can make you fall, love can kill you. Love is a disaster waiting to happen. Just wait, it always leaves.

9. There is absolutely nothing better than a song that says everything you mean.

10. I wish I could get god’s number because I would call him tomorrow. Ask him what the fuck is up? Why me? What the fuck have done that is so much worse than everyone else?

11. People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Is that true? I think so. I allow everyone to leave. What would be differently if I didn’t allow it. How could I have stopped it?

12. Your actually one of the most hilarious people I have met. You use your dramatic nature as some sort of satire. I love it. I used to think it was the just the way you were but, I see through your intelligence you just a higher level of humor.





13. I loved you first. I loved you more. I left you first.

14. If you loved me , why did you leave me.

This is exactly how i feel ..

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
"I love her for her smile-her look-her way
Of speaking gently-for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease oh such a day"-
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
be changed, or change for thee-and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,-
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lost thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

- If thou must love me by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

hit a new boundr y

k. so i'm high right now.
and i thought i would be hilarious to right a blog.. c ause i'm so fucking weak and writing this blog with weexd.. ahhh shit l

and cause you 've lways ..
my mind cant cat h up with me'
'
everything i like an hour when its onlyo a min. everyone i cray.. and like fierce..l shot dofff love;


the producers input.

muah

Chi town put your lighters up .. holla at the balller...

This loud ass girl next to me has really bad weave.

I feel really accomplished. i got my papers done , and i'm not failing out of school.. despite missing 2 continuous weeks of class. by the grace of god, that is the only way.

I should be doing homework.
ACTUALLY i should be in Psych, but the bitch dropped me. I have issues and its the Psych teacher who can't understand. lol thats hilariously.

Feeling very weird about a lot of things.
Feel like I'm almost trying to hard with some people. Can convince anyone to reach out or even talk to you i guess. Can't go back and make different choices.. i guess you just have to prove yourself.

i was thinking about love.
I think i had it all wrong.
Or maybe I'm just insane.

I always felt that once i let myself finally love someone else completely, no matter the situation,. that in the end love would over come anything. That once i decided it was unconditional instead of conditional i thought i would be forever. And if I'm right..either I'm fucked or i donno..
I was just thinking about that because i woke up to Captain and Tanel today
"Love, Love will keep us together, think of me babe whenever.. "

Nothing is like boy bands hypnotized it to be.
i shouldn't blame others.
Its me.
Kind of feel unlovable.
Or even possible just not enough.
I'm great but , not great enough to fight for.
I love you but, its conditional.
I love you within in this box, and if something fucked happens.. i won't remember we are an anomaly.. I'll just move on.
I love until...
I will wait...
This is just the way i am, but i expect you to change.
If you were prettier , thinner , smarter, funnier, cuter ,sexier.. then maybe this oould have worked.

I feel like i hear those things a lot, when i all i want to hear is .

I love you not matter what.

and i want someone to mean it.

Dallas you bastard

It is all my fathers fault how i am. therapy we had a "break through"!! exciting tres i know.

i guess cause i have always felt like it was my fault i haven't had a relationship with my father.. because i felt like i am the one who said "no lets stop this madness" at eight. That i have always felt like i ruined one of the most important relationships of my lifetime.

sooo..

thus, i continuously set myself in relationship where i know i will receive pain at the end because of the things i do.

its like control.

i want to be hurt because i feel like i deserve it for fucking me and my fathers relation ship up.

Goddayum.

and i always thought i'd be one of the lucky ones without daddy issues.

kills and pills shots andcocks trust and pain hurt and you

we broke up and yes it is killing me softly.

"Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song, telling
my whole life with
his words, killing me softly with his song. I felt all flushed with fever,
embarrassed by the crowd, I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on strumming my pain
with his fingers, singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song, telling my
know I'm good enough for that."

and it was a mistake. that i would never make again in my life. I just want him to see what he saw, what he fell in love with. Stop your mind. and listen to you heart.


so, I'm gonna get pro active and give a goo at keeping on

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Me and matt con coked a great plan on getting back on track in school and i plan on sticking with it. i got plans. I got ideas. I will accomplish them. i will go to work. I will do my best , and not try to be THE best. Thats all i can do . Not gonna chew off more than i can handle. i can get back in the swing of it all. Cause you know just what? i am THAT! Awesome . Kinda like Aston Kutcher style.

I knows tomorrow is new day.
I will just focus one day at a time.
And i will move on one day a time.

Think ill pray forgiveness to night. love, happiness, bitterness. I'll be just pray to be what people deserve. honestly.honestly.thought i was great ,what every deserves. now. i guess i am not. def want to change that about. yes ill pray for some real love tonight, happiness, love.i will confess tonight. i will wake up tomorrow owith a brighter mindset.
amen

Please strangle the life out me

i hate myself. more than ever.
never thought possible.
alone.
lonely again.
what a feeling.

can't wait to make it stop.

Payton me.

Dont leave.

Just stay awhile longer.

ugh. So much progress.

I just want to sleep for a month. or two weeks. then wake back up and start living again.

Why can't it just be different.

how come he is inside my head.

I miss him.

he just left.

Bastard come back.

Not fair.

Everyone leaves.

i'm no Heroine.

Because i just found out i do not have Word i cannot write my paper. I will not write my damn paper on Works. Pulease bitch.
He leaves tomorrow.
God that sucks.
I really hope distance does make the heart grow fonder.
You know?

I hope we keep in touch. slightly at least. I hope I don't freak to much cause we can't be together all the time. I tend to do that codependent thing sometime.

I had such a break down on Wed. God i wish my weeks didn't start until wed and ended on Friday. I would be set.
After the weekend my brain usually takes about 3 days to get situated. Now if i could only manage my classes and schedule around that i would be set.

i hate class. Not really. I just hate the way i am. I love school , i love learning, i just feel incapable sometimes you know. Prob not.

The Doctor up'd my dosage. So thats good. Hope it works so i don't have to see a psychologist. Now that would really make me freak i think. I just want to know that i;m normal.

Pray that i get my shit together sooon. pray it out.

My doctor is so personal. Its almost to much. I like the fact that she cares .. but its weird when someone cares so much yet , doesn't really know you. i guess.. she knows more than some. Isn't that weird. A women i barley know , knows some of my darkest secrets . Thats so fucked.

When i was at the doctors today she came in and asked how i felt. I said good . she said well prolly not that good. I was like well no shit. I'm depressed, so really i never feel good. And , when you ask that question , no one is really asking the question to really know. They just are being sociable. I just thought it was just a weird event. i donno.

my stories suck.

i was literally laying in a ball on my bed earlier shaking. Vicadine. Damn that will be the end of me. You know though, sometimes i just like to not be me. I just like to escape.

i feel like a verizon commercial.
That my "network" .. is my Food , School , Teachers ,Mother , Kev , Friends ,Bills and they are all following me all day long. Constantly. When i take Vicadine its like a wall is put between me and all the bullshit. Its such a nice feeling. To have all the bullshit set aside for four hours.

then you shake. That sucks. But its like i shake off my old skin and start to fall back in place.